My Story - Part 1

and your weekend texture.....

Remember the dream post I shared a few weeks ago? :) I told you that I was going to tell you 'my story' Well, I'm back with a tour of my studio and my story..... The studio ties in with my journey.... hopefully by the end of this post it will all come together. 

And of course, I have a lovely little texture for you to try as well. Stay tuned.

Okay, so let's start at the beginning...in a fast forward kind of way.  

I was born in Manitoba...Canada in 1968. I was the youngest in a family of 2... just me and my older brother. We lived in a few places before we settled in the town my Dad grew up in... and the town I live in today. (I was 12)

I was fortunate to grow up with good friends and a supportive family. My life, all in all was GOOD.

As a kid I always said I wanted to be a teacher and I secretly dreamt of being an artist. The funny part was, I never made art. But I could totally imagine being an artist. I remember feeling different, yet not sure why that was.

I met my husband John when I was 19 and I was married at 21. I had Brett 13 months later and Bryce 15 1/2 months after that. By the time I was 23 I was a mother of 2 boys. We moved into the house we still live in...and the house of my dreams in 1992.

It's pretty crazy....but growing up we lived just across the street and a few houses down from this old house...and I said, one day I would live here. Seriously, I really did!

So, when I saw this house come up for sale in the local paper I was determined that we come and take a look at it. The timing was brilliant. We were just about to buy a modular home. The deal was almost signed. Character homes, like like this old girl do not come up for sale very often. Anyhow, I walked in, fell instantly in love...turned to John and said, we have to buy this house! And that was that... it all worked out. Okay it wasn't nearly as simple as that....it took some major work to make it happen... But it did!! We moved in and 6 months later, John got his job at the hospital across the street from where we lived. The job we prayed he would get and the job that allowed me to quit my full time job and stay at home with the boys.

I tell you the house story, because to me it is all part of my journey to this very day. If it was not for this old house, I would not have started painting. It's also a perfect example of how stating your intentions can make things happen. I was a teenager who stated her intentions to a friend.... 'I am going to live in that house someday!'

I wanted to fill our antique home with old worn, primitive pieces.... But there was no money for decorating. Money was tight, to say the least. And so, I went out and bought a few brushes, some paint...a few surfaces....and started attempting to make my own pieces to fill our home. Thinking back to my first work... I could cringe... But, at the time, I thought it was beautiful.....

To make a long story short... my painting lead to a few craft fairs....to selling my signs on ebay....and then to a publisher who licensed my work.

And so I think you can see how this old house was a huge part of my journey...

So I painted and painted....I started working in our basement...  but it was too dreary and damp. So I squished the boys into one bedroom and took over the spare room. I outgrew the spare room, and they outgrew sharing a room.... so I took over the dining room. And well, it was not pretty. And my mother was horrified... She's very neat and clean...and organized. Imagine our lovely old dining room table covered in drop cloths pine boards, paint, stain, rags.... etc.... I'm sure my Mom had a hard time visiting...... it was really quite terrible.

My parents had a little stash of money and they gifted it to me and my brother.... But mine came with another gift....

a gift of my dad's hands and time to build me my very own studio!! Woo hoo.... DREAM come true... BIG TIME!!

That gift was more than money and space...It was.... 'we believe in you.... now go....DO what you seem to have to do....and make your dreams come true!'

While I was working away at my art, I was also running a home daycare. I would look after kids in the day and make art after the boys went to bed...into the wee hours of the morning. It was hard, but so worth it.  

The studio was the launch of my for-real business.... I don't think I would be here today, doing what I love if it weren't for that... Ya know?

Life progressed, the boys grew up. I was making art full time. Business was good! My art was on prints, giftware, wallpaper, calendars etc. Seriously, so fabulous! I was able to do what I love and I was getting paid well for it. Woo hoo! Finally, we were able to pay the bills and have a little room for extras. It was amazing. I remember walking Andy and thinking wow, I am so blessed. Thank you God!

And then......it all came crashing down.

Brett was 16 and Bryce was entering 15. They were good boys. Bryce was always very strong willed.....right from the beginning. But man oh man... the teen years hit him HARD. And so began the hardest experience of our lives. Bryce started to change. I knew he was struggling, but there seemed to be very little we could do or say to help him. He was lost and as much as I wanted to hold out my hands and bring him back, he just could not grab hold.

I will spare you the details, but let's just say it was the beginning of the longest and most difficult 2 1/2 years of my life. I lived, trapped in fear. It felt like I was always on the edge of my seat, waiting for the worst to happen. I felt scared and alone. I think that may be part of my issue with friendship. Let's just say, during that time, friendship really let me down.

And as hard as it was for me, it was nothing compared to the turmoil Bryce was in. My son was living in his own personal hell...and everyday he struggled to hold on.

3 years ago this coming May, all my fears and worries seemed to come true...in one phone call. It was after midnight when the phone rang....I knew it was going to be awful news. And it was. Thankfully no one was physically hurt. I can not share the details, it is Bryce's story to tell... but it was the beginning of a long lonely journey of recovery for us all. Let's just say, living in a tiny town, when someone you love makes some really bad choices is very lonely. People don't look at you. People don't call you...and people definitely judge you!

This was also the beginning of Bryce's new life. He had no choice, but to start over. As awful as it all was, it was part of his journey and our journey. And we survived. He survived and he made it through and is doing much better now. 

During that two plus years I slowly quit painting. I had no desire to create.... I just sat a lot... in fear. In fact, I became a prisoner of that fear. It owned me! As much as all the worry and what if's changed nothing, fixed nothing... it was all I knew. It consumed me. My husband kept moving, working, living. Thankfully. But I just stopped. And sat and feared.... and asked why? over and over and over again... Why?

Fear robbed me of my creativity...and over time I quit working completely.That wonderful income that we had coming in, also started to fade away. 

After that phone call in the middle of the night, I realized no matter, what life goes one. And one day, my camera called to me. I took it on the trail and my life changed. I felt as though I was reborn. Literally the art started to pour out of me. This time through my camera. Eventually I picked up the brushes again, but not to paint signs...instead to paint textures. 

Okay I will leave you here...and share part 2 another day.....

It's the good part.... the dreamy part...the mondo beyondo... CRAZY.....BEYOND belief... AWESOME...somebody pinch me....are you serious? no way!! part!!!

And so how bout a texture to end the tale? I call this one music lovin'.... I think it's a 'gooder'....
Click HERE to download it.

Love & gratitude...always....

xo,

Comments

[Robin]

Thank you for sharing. I think women have a more difficult time compartmentalizing than men do. Even though our circumstances are different, I can identify with so much. My husband has lost several jobs in the last few years all due to the economy and through no fault of his own, yet we feel judged too. It is as though people have to make sense of things in their own minds and they have to assign fault. We have definitely found out who our real friends are and there are very few of them. We left our church and chose to struggle alone rather than face the guilt of expectations that could not be met whether financially or emotional. It has been a very lonely process. Thankfully we are surviving and are stronger because of what we have been through.

It is hard to be creative when you see people that you love struggling. I'm so glad that you are able to create again and I hope that Bryce continues to do well.

[Heather :) :) :)]

Thanks for sharing your story :) It was moving and inspirational for me. Oh, thanks for the free texture, too :) Love and hugs from the ocean shores of California, Heather :)

[Natalee Potter]

Thank you for sharing your story it was great to hear a little of who you are. In this world now the way we can meet people that we will never probably meet is so exciting. I truly love your work I can't say it enough so as much as your journey was tough I am glad it brought you to were you are now which I think is a good place:) For me I believe everything happens for a reason most times you don't no the reason, but wether it be good or bad it is our path....... I have had and have my share of rough times, but all you can do is keep going!!!! Best wishes to you and yours like your sign says "keep calm and click on" I love when you made that sign:)

[Leslie]

Thank you for your inspiring story and beautiful photos. Your studio is the studio of my dreams...

[bubbleboo]

I usually read without commenting, but after reading this post I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your memories and feelings with us. I am thankful that the journey has brought you to a place where your creativity and beauty shine through into something that you are able to share with so many others.

Thank you for all that you give to us xxx

[Kelly Warren]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's a great reminder that every one of us has a story to tell, and that every one of has parts to that story that were/are very difficult to trave through/in.

[Jaimi]

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I can't wait to hear the rest of the story!

[lynne marsho]

Can't wait to hear more -- sounds like you are in a very good place now.

[Veronica]

Thanks for sharing. It's power lies in passing it on to encourage someone else to find the blessings in our trials.

[Gale Wall]

I'm behind on my blog reading...have been for most of the year...sending you a hug anyway. Not many can share trials, hurt and struggles. Someone will be changed because you did.

[Carole]

Wow, Kim, what a powerful story. Thank you for sharing it, and your beautiful studio. I am sorry you had to go through all that, but you've come through as such a talented artist and probably a stronger person. Major kudos to you.

[Anika]

Thanks so much for sharing. It is interesting to look back at our stories and see how they unfolded and how everything is meant to be...and to be hopeful and to have wishes...thanks for the reminder...beautiful post.

[Sue]

Thanks so much for the lovely texture! :)

[Suzette]

Thank you, Kim, for sharing your story. I'll think about it over the next few days and maybe share a bit of my story with you. My life has been "interrupted" by other fears, but there's a stirring in me as well. I can't wait to read the rest of your story so that I might be inspired to move along my path.

Take care...many hugs coming your way!

Suzette

[Sandra Rossouw]

I so admire you for sharing your life and fears. I would just like to hold out my arms to you and say "Kim come over for a hug" Remember I will be waiting for you here in Africa when you take that journey you are dreaming of.
I can not wait for part 2 !!!
Hugs to you my dear friend.

[Tracy]

I have been meaning to read this post and finally did. Your writing style is captivating as well as your photography and studio. I always feel a since of peace when I viist your blog. I am glad your family survived the adversity. I think adversity really allows us to appreciate the good. My childhood was one that shocks people and I survived and have a good life. it makes me appreciate that my son has it so easy. As an adult my mother took her life almost 12 years ago. I was 29 and she was 47. It consumed me for an entire year. Hour after hour and day after day. I finally told her in a letter that she took her life and a year of my life and that was all she could have. I would still love and miss her, but I had to live. I am a pretty creative person and I believe I get it all from my mom. I am glad I have that part of her with me. Thanks for sharing your story. Keep creating. It is all so beautiful.

[Joy]

Dearest Kim
Ever since I found your pages, your site, your blog, ... I have felt drawn to your way with things. You come across as a genuine human being and through your sharing in whatever context, you show you care.

One of the first things I noticed was how 'words' surround you, whether it be how you write (very well doncha know) or seeing them in your surroundings at home. I am big on words as well and know that having them within view also helps to accomplish your dreams, your hopes, but also I think, they play a part in dismissing the fears.

Affirmations like the ones you have used in your textures, or on your walls, gives purpose. Every Time you read them, your brain hears you. Just like you stating the fact out loud that you would someday live in that house. From that moment on, you played a conscious part in your own destiny. We must tell ourselves how it's going to be.

The fact that your journey took you through difficult times to now where you are sharing with us was also written in the stars. You had to go through it to become who you are now ... just as your son and the rest of the family has. You will all be better for it for this is how we grow, become wise, and in the long run it gives us the tools to help others.

That saying, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has some juice. I myself know how life can tear you down and lift you up again when you've had to face such adversity. It is all an education, we are meant to learn from each instance. I think everything will be fine now in your life. Everything you've done in regards to this blog / website has been your way of healing.

I tell ya, I sat here looking at your beautiful studio and house with tears in my eyes as I read.
You are good people and I love you for sharing yourself in so many ways. Your family is very fortunate to have you.
Visualize yourself moving through the rest of this to the other end where you will be doing something you love and it will be so.

So honey, sit back, have a cup of tea and know you do have friendships here. Be proud of the woman you are in every way.

Have a delightful weekend sweetie. Sorry I've rambled =0)

HUGS, Joy

[Ruby]

Kim thanks so much for sharing,you inspire me to work at getting well with your struggle. You show me that anything is possible

[Ruby]

Kim thanks so much for sharing,you inspire me to work at getting well. You show me that anything is possible. I love your home and you are such an inspiration to all of us.

[IDania]

Oh my God, Kim!!!
Do you know? Reading your story was like just reading mine!!! I live across the ocean from you (Spain). I've followed you for ages, but it wasn´t until recently (about a year ago) that I started taking your classes, began part of the "Kitchen", and Oh, I'm so glad!!!
Thank God everything in my life is back to normal, although it would never be the same. I'm truly glad to read your life and Bryce's are held now!!!
God Bless you all!!!!

[Kristina]

Kim--I'm in tears reading your post....thank you for sharing this story. I grew up in a town of 900 in the Midwest and I understand as wonderful as that can be, it can also be so difficult. I think that is why I ended up leaving and headed to San Francisco....Huge kudos to you and your family for triumphantly moving through the difficult times and into the mondo beyondo part of life. I'm so glad I have found you and your amazing work.....you are an inspiration in more ways than you know....truly......xoxoxxoxo

[sally papin]

What a talent you have for words, and bringing similar issues we have all faced to a positive note. Feeling stagnant, lack of friendships and time just passing by us. Its very hard to move forward when you are feeling held back, and just last year I was able to move forward leaving baggage behind. Your story is so touching to me. Friends through Art!

[Kim]

You now "have a clue" . . . and probably have more empathy for other parents whose child didn't follow a true and steady course. When someone hasn't gone through this experience, they may come across as judgmental thinking "that would never happen to our family". I know where you've been, only for me it was 7 years with my youngest son. Once he graduated from high school, I was able to emotionally and mentally heal from the ordeal. I made sure all of my children knew and understood, I didn't have favorites and loved them all, regardless of their choices, for good or bad.

P.S. A phone call in the middle of the night is never good news.

[kristin]

wow. i can really relate in so many ways to this. so glad your boy and YOU are finding your way back... XO

[susan]

Oh Kim...clicked on the link in Camp Shutter Sister's fb page that you posted on and brought me to your studio and...your story. Without going into details all I can tell you is we have a lot more in common than you know. Same age when I got married, had my daughters, and well...life has moments where you never think you're heart will be able to repair. 'Hope' becomes a daily word, the daily inspiration, to keep you going. As a parent who has gone through much heartache and pain, I do know one thing...don't ever underestimate the power of hope.

Always just an ichat away if you ever feel like talking...

{big hug} susan

[tara]

oh my, kim, thank you for sharing your story. amazing, the journey, isn't it?

[Brenda]

My mouth is wide open after reading this post . Our similarities are uncanny .
I too am from canada, youngest child of two.......... I wanted to become a teacher and also secretly dreamed of being an artist. I did go onto become a teacher and have taught primary for 20 years. Over the years I have continued painting but never pursued it as a career.

I ended up meeting my soulmate and marrying him ..........a charming Frenchie from Quebec. We went on to have three children ..........and my sons name is Andre but his middle name is Bryce.

We deisgned and built our dream home three four years ago .....life was absolutely perfect .

And then .............just like your life ......it all came crashing down . My husband passed away from a heart attack right in front of my very eyes. This was totally unexpected and completely ripped the foundation from under me.

So I completely understand it when you talk about our journeys .......................the last two years have been devastating but I have learned alot through loss.................I have more compassion than I ever had and am now volunteering at Hospice.

My painitng came to a dead halt and mny friends tried everything they could to get me back to it .....................but grief can really get a hold on you and as you know its hard to even get through the day let alone create or paint.

Fast forward ........,my art has been a part of my healing . After taking care of kids and making sure they were okay I finally got back into my painting and have just started getting it out there. Fear was also a huge part of my life for the past two years
But I feel a little bit like the "Me" I used to know.

Sorry for such a long post ......................but I felt like I was living your life reading your post . And your lbog is amazing .....I stumbled on it because I've been adding digital artwork to my paintings.

Although I've just started my blog ........please feel free to stop by ...Id love it.

http://onthewingsoflovebre.blogspot.com/

Cheers,

Brenda

[Lindy]

I've been bouncing around your sites this morning and wondering why I stopped reading regularly sometime this past year. I enjoy your photos and writing so much, and Ben even influenced me to get a new wonderful dog-friend, our labradoodle pup, Hoss. Thanks most of all for sharing this post, we have two teens with challenges and our son in particular worries me to death with some of his struggles. A doctor gave me the good advice to "stay in the day" and I'm doing better with that. The photo 365 will help, too! It's very empowering to know that some understand, especially when your closest friends and family do not. Have a great day, Kim, and thanks again!

[Kathleen Conard]

Kim - thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I haven't read part 2 yet, but I am heading that way. I had a few rough years when my son went to college. He had always been involved in sports which gave him structure, but when he went to college he fell into the party scene in a big way. That was about four years ago and the last few have been much better. We had raised him in a Christian home, but it was our faith, not really his yet. I am thankful that he has now developed a solid relationship with God, through HIs son Jesus, and that has made all of the difference in the world. I almost made myself sick worrying about him and then I realized God loved him even more than I did and that I needed to put him in God's hands and let go. That is really when everything started turning around. It is amazing how wonderful things can come from what we thought never could - beauty from ashes. xo

[Emily]

Wow! What a story you have! I just came across this, and I am amazed at you, and how you made it through difficult times. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your talents and for all the many freebies! Very much appreciated! :)

[Sherrie]

Thanks for sharing such an amazing story and I wanted to tell you I can relate on so many level!! I completely understand feeling and/or being judged and what is really sad is that no one can do that until they've walked a similar path! I can honestly say I don't sit in judgement of people because of the grace of God go I.. But as for friendship I really have none mainly for that reason never felt safe without feeling the judgement and/or well I'll leave it at that!! Your children are your heart worn on your sleeve and if you've reading this and have never been hurt by one of your children count it as a blessing because you'll never know heartache/pain until it comes from your child!! Thanks again Kim for sharing and being open and letting us know that we're all walking out our story and sometimes it hurts and other times is so wonderful we'll burst!!

[Kathy Marciante]

So sorry that life brings such tragic things to families. I know my parents had their fair share. You have proven to be an amazing women to work through it all. Time does heal. I hope your son has found a new path.

[Tracie West]

I love your honesty, I love how real your story is, I'm most happy to hear your son is on the right track now and you are full of inspiration and I'm hooked and I have so much more to read and learn.

[Geri]

Kim, I have had this post saved for a long time because I wanted to know your story. Now that I read it I am so thankful for your honesty in sharing about your life and your struggles. I hope that both sons are doing well and that Bryce continues to make better choices.

Blessings to you and yours.

[clara]

thanks so much, very nice textures

[Liz]

WOW Kim. Even though I don't know the exact details of your story, I feel you may understand my life a little. Through blogging, I have discovered some who have almost had EXACTLY the same experiences as I have with some of my kids. I am so happy that things are improving and your family is recovering... my kids are possibly older than yours but we have a long way to go until life is restored to how it should be.
God bless you and thanks for sharing your gift!

[Indigo]

Thanks for sharing. My children and I are also on a journey. Thanks for helping me remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Melinda]

Just reading some of your posts. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me be brave to share mine.
Your work is so beautiful. As you are also, my dear!
Bless you dear lady!

[Ivan Pena]

Hi Kim, I'm new to your website and after listening to one of your tutorial it came to my mind to like your voice and the nice tone of it, them I decide to know more about you and I found this part one of your story... I'm a 45 years old man not easy to be moved to tears and I just want to let you know that i'm crying now like a little baby after entering a little bit into your world. I hope that was just the past, the learning time the one which help you and your son to move on. I will read the next part soon, now I just want to feel your journey as mine. Thanks for sharing it with us. Ivan

[Charlene]

Hi, Kim
I am in tears! I am new to your post. Originally finding an escape in photography -as you imaging due to my 17 year old son. I hope the boys ( mine and yours) all come (will come) out fine. But the fear for moms are there.......
I also have a 24 year old daughter. When she was 17, I was living in turmoil. A friend of mine told me a "story": "when you have a little girl, god delivered an angel to your house until she turns to 14. Then the evils came took your angels heart and soul away. She becomes the angel without a heart and a soul to left you to dealing with for many years to come. But, some day, she will find her heart and soul back"
I thought those only applys to girl till my son turns to 17 ........
Thanks for sharing your story, I am sure it makes a brighter day for many moms who are dealing with the same issue!

[Susan Clow]

Kim, It was wonderful reading your story. I found your website after it was given to me by a women I took a textures class from through my photography group. There were many websites, but there was something about yours that drew me. I hadn't read your story till today, so it wasn't that. Maybe it was all your lovely warm textures that are my favorite.

I love your home, it is quite beautiful. Our children bring us the greatest joy, and sometimes a chance to really grow in life and figure out what is important, and it sounds to me like that is what happened for you. My hardship started in childhood and I knew even when I was little I wanted to be happy, and I am today that is for sure. My position at work was getting quite stressful and I would go home every night and be too tired, to take pictures or do a water color or whatever. This went on for 2 years, and then in March I found out my brother was dying of ALS. He is 66, and my dad died of it at 45, so I'm grateful that my brother has lived longer. I treasure my brother. He lives in Minnesota and I live in Oregon, and I went back to see him in April. I was glad to have done that. He is still alive but continues to rapidly go down hill. I think when I came back the end of April, and got well after getting a flu bug while I was there and didn't know till I got home, I too had to evaluate my life. I knew if I didn't start getting my creative juices flowing again, I was going to be miserable. I put it out there (to the universe) that I wanted something but didn't know what it was. Then one day, I got a message from Meetup.com about the things going on in Salem, OR. I scrolled down and low and behold there was a group called Salem Digital Photography Group. Needless to say, I joined and it has changed my life. I'm so happy now and it balances work out nicely. They offer classes and I was so excited about this textures class I thought I'd bust my seams. After I took it, I started adding textures to some of my photos, not all of them, but I've created some beautiful pictures, using your great textures that you sent me when I joined your page.
I can't thank you enough for sharing these textures wih us and I appreicate it so much. And I feel like this was all meant to happen and I feel like my heart is home now again.

I am happy that you found your way back to your creative natures and happy I have too.

[grambie]

This is purely journaling from the heart with all the emotional ups and downs that life seem to send/bring. Yet, it was and is a time to know who your true friends, and lets not exclude family members as well, truly are. I await part two with sincere interest and concern. I have been there and back, having two girls and two boys. I am a great-grandmother of two boys now and a recovering quadriplegia. My disabilities do not define who I am. I also believe that the mistakes of a child are not inherent of the parent. My God that I serve is a loving God and will hold you safely in his arms. Thanks for the sprise texture download. Blessings. ;)

[Maria]

Kim, What a story. Thank you so much for sharing and for the beautiful texture. I found you through a youtuber who does wonderful work and recommended you website. Here channel is "littlecanvases". I look forward to your future works and shared stories. Your studio is amazing. I love it.
Happy New Year to you and family. big hug from New York City Maria

[glenda]

Kim, your story touched my heart, I can relater with your fear.. God Bless you in all you do..
you are so inspiring.. glenda

[Joan Rudloff]

Hi Kim,
I knew I have been on your mailing list for several years. I wrote something last evening Feb. 7, 2013. You sent a very re-assuring comment to my post. I so Thank You for that. You have know idea how much that comment meant to me. I read part 1 of you story. I must say, YES, you sure are living, and feeling the wonders of life. I am 70, when I look back, I see how important these moments of HELL, have turned me into who I am today. Believe it or not, today I am grateful, because I would have never become who I am today had I not experienced those moments.

Anyway, I would love to know if you took Marie's B-Class. I can't find anything on how much it cost, and how I sigh up for it. I really want to take the class badly. Was it helpful to you, if you have taken it? I have taken 2 classes that were little to know help. Please tell me more about what you do.

Thanks again Joan Rudloff

[Sharron Begg]

Hello Kim
I have just found your blog via someone else's blog (just a surfing kind of day) and I am very impressed with your story ... breakfast beckons but I will read Part 2 later ... and being 20 yrs older than you, have been in your 'fear' place myself. Raising a child to adulthood unscathed is not easy ! And the best therapy is to talk about it with your friends ... so awful of your community to avoid you !
Thank you for sharing and know that you are never alone !
Sharron
ps. loved your house and studio tour/story !

[Escara]

Thank you, dear Kim, for sharing your story with us. I like always to see a little behind the backstage. Your photos are very nice and interesting. I wish you all the best.
Kind regards from Switzerland
Esther